September 4th 2024

 Dear Diary,

Is this thing on? Good heavens that girl... I love her, she's just so damn silly I swear. She never fails to surprise me... I can't wait to see her again, I feel lost without her loving embrace. Too dramatic? I guess.

She makes me feel emotions and forms of love I didn't know existed. God that sounds weird but I think that makes sense. Bluh bluh!!! I just feel some strong connection whenever I'm speaking to her... I'm her little flower, and she's my beautiful moonlight angelic princess. She does remind me of the moon. That's what I call her, the moon to my sun. I'm not really much like the sun though... I'm like... a moth... a moth attracted to her beautiful angelic ethereal glow. I like the way she caresses me when I'm in her arms, I like the way she speaks softly to me when I'm in her arms, I like the way she plays with my hair and makes me know I am loved. This'll be awkward when I publish it but I don't care, I want the world, or the three people who read this shit to know that I love her. I want the world to know that I'm the moth to her flame. I am so thankful I met her, even if my feelings towards her weren't as clear to either of us as they are now. Now we both know, we both know that we love each other, that this connection of ours runs deep and strong, and I live for it. For her beautiful graceful voice, like a soft morning melody. Her smile, a smile that can warm the coldest of hearts. I found it so hard to believe someone so angelic and divine exists. That's how I'd describe her. Divine. That's the best I can describe her, but it doesn't do her justice. Nothing I could ever write could perfectly describe how strongly I feel about her. This is just the best of my ability, and Heaven knows I can't express it as much as I want to. My mental fortitude isn't enough, I get nervous and tense up at the sight of her, to be in the presence of someone so sweet. 

She held me in her arms, she said something really silly. "Are you an octopus?" I couldn't help but laugh at the question, but I was confused. "What?" I reply. She told me to just say "no" and I was still confused, but reluctantly said "No" and she said "because you octopi my thoughts." I really needed to share that because she's so silly and I wanted to kiss her in that moment because that's so funny and silly and it made me fall in love with her even more. 

Honestly, she's inspired me to start writing much longer blog posts again, maybe not 6000 words in one night repeating the same affirmations level because I think I was going through a mental crisis there, but she makes me want to write a lot. I can't help it, she's just so wonderful... It's cheesy, sure, but it's how I feel. Sometimes I freak out when I think about her, I'm scared I'll screw things up with her. If I did I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself. I'm strong, I know I am. She tells me I am, she wrote that in the little "When you're feeling sad" thing she made me. I just don't know what to do sometimes, nothing much to do other than my best. ^_^ Sorry that's silly and stupid. I do feel like I'm starting to repeat shit again, I guess I really can't properly express my emotions after all. Damn. It is what it is (THUNDERCAT ALBUM REFERENCE) (SHUT THE FUCK UP ELEANOR "IT IS WHAT IT IS" WASN'T COINED BY THUNDERCAT YOU STUPID FUCKING CRINGE RABBIT MOTH GIRL) someone get the spray bottle like I'm a damn cat knocking over the fabric of reality or something. For those reading at home, just keep in mind that love comes to people in mysterious, unexpected ways. You'd be surprised. I never thought that girl who came up to me and talked to me would end up being my girlfriend. I'm sure as hell glad she is though, because she's unlike anyone I've ever met. I'm being silly again. Being in love is one hell of a feeling. This is so weird, isn't it? I'm sorry honey, I'm just being silly again. I love you!!!!!!  I wanna keep writing but I'm honestly really really fluffin tired. She wears me out sometimes, in a good way. ^_^  It's hard to explain bahahaha, I'm not sure how to put it into words. It's like she has me wrapped around her finger sometimes. In a good way!!!! When I say these things, I mean it positively. I've never been too good at reading people, and I've always felt like I made myself hard to read on purpose. But she accepts that challenge and reads me extremely well. It's surprising, and it confuses me but also attracts me. It's just one of the many things I admire about her. Another one being how she doesn't take shit from anyone, that's a very admirable trait. Unfortunately, I'm not the same, it's something I'm working on though. She's smart, kind, funny, beautiful, and doesn't take shit from anyone. I could go on and on but this is starting to get really long I should probably stop here soon but I just can't stop once I get started here. I write like a maniac when it comes to things I'm passionate about, and by God I'm passionate about her!

I like how she teases me, and isn't mean about it. She knows what I'm comfortable with, and she respects my boundaries. I like how she understands I'm nervous, inexperienced, anxious, paranoid, terrified, skittish, shy, all those things. (One of the things she said she loves about me most is how skittish I am, and I mean if she likes that about me mwehehehe <3) I love her so much I don't know how to express it in words, I know I've already said all of this but this doesn't even scratch the surface. There is so so so much more I would love to say but I just can't bring myself to yet, I'm scared to. I'm worried that this is a bit much. It scares me, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be some obsessive freak. I don't think I am, I just feel such a strong connection and love for people I'm in love with. I tend to care deeply about people I'm close to in general. Even when we weren't dating and when I didn't realize my true feelings for her, I saw her as a best friend, and I still do!!! She's my girlfriend AND my best friend. That's silly isn't it? Sorry... I'm so lame aren't I?  That's just another weird little thing about me, when I'm in love with someone. I see them as not just a girlfriend, but a BEST friend. That's probably weird but it's just how I am. But even before then, she was like a best friend to me. 

Oddly enough, I think that attracted me even more to her. Her insistence to get me out of my shell, and how proud she was of me of even the little things, like being able to look her in the eyes when I talk to her. Eye contact is something I've struggled with my whole life, I don't know if I have autism or some shit although I've never been properly diagnosed. Just ADHD, that's the only thing I've been properly diagnosed with. Honestly wouldn't surprise me, or anyone I've talked to. One of the most common questions I get asked is, "Nora, are you autistic?" The answer is, I'm not properly diagnosed, I was tested but I was only diagnosed with ADHD, but I exhibit too many symptoms of it to just let the thought go. Maybe it's something different, and it's disguising itself as autism. I'm just saying I wouldn't doubt it. How did me talking about my lovely girlfriend turn into ramblings about how I think I have autism? Probably the ADHD, like I said earlier, that's another thing. Fun fact by the way, I was listening to Talking Heads' "Remain in Light" for the first time on the way to my ADHD diagnosis. I think that's ironic in a way. I'm listening to Talking Heads right now as I write this.

Hehe, now I just wanna talk about music. I got myself so worked up on that and now I wanna take a brief intermission to talk about that. Today is the 23rd anniversary of System of a Down's "Toxicity" I don't really feel like relistening to it tonight but it is a fantastic album. 

Actually, interestingly enough, System of a Down has wormed their way into some of my recent dreams, I don't know where it came from. I don't listen to them much. It's just in my dreams lately I'll open Spotify and shuffle a playlist that's entirely System of a Down. I don't know where it came from, I don't have a System of a Down playlist. Perhaps this silly little recurring theme with my dreams will encourage me to make one. I'll consider it.

Back to the lovely angelic girl who lights up my world. I've never felt closer to pure bliss than when I was in her arms. I'm convinced that her embrace is the closest thing to Heaven that exists on this mortal plane of existence. I think she liked it when I called her my moonlight angel princess or whatever beautifully awkward combination of words I used to describe her ethereal unimaginable beauty. So so so awkward again Nora, you're being cheesy lovey dovey again!!! Calm down Eleanor!!!! I can't stop thinking about that hug the other night, she was holding onto me so tight. It made me feel a lot of things, but most of all, I felt... I felt loved. When I say loved I mean like, A strong, immeasurable love. The merging of two lonely hearts, yearning for a connection that onlookers cannot begin to fathom. Wow, that's uhh that's a lot. I think I've gotten all my emotions out, though. Teehee.

Song of the Day: System of a Down - Chop Suey 🦠

Indisputable classic. 

yawwwnnnn ummm... 10 days until I see her again, hopefully?