February 15th 2026
I'm kinda pissed off about how people act about transfem characters in fiction, it's the same way people talk about trans people in real life. Even when it comes to underage characters or real life people, so called cis allies are creepy and weird towards them. Not only that, but people love to erase the identities of trans characters, like a character can explicitly say they're trans and people will still call them a femboy or a trap. I'm not gonna get into how people basically just use femboy as a woke version of trap nowadays because people who have an emotional dependence on that word will prove just how weird and gross they can be. I don't want to dwell on this too much, but it really has gotten to a point where people will do the same stuff with real life trans women. I tell someone I'm trans and they think they can just call me a femboy like it's interchangeable with transfem. It's not!!! At least the term trap has died down because Jesus Christ the implications from that one are really disgusting. People get especially weird if said transfem character has a close relationship with a cisgender female character. This is about Mizuki from Project Sekai, I don't want to get too deep into this I just saw a reel that pissed me off quite a bit.
I've been thinking back to weird internet horror stuff that traumatized me as a young child, I Feel Fantastic is a big one. I was inclined to believe the whole robot serial killer garbage because I was 10 years old and didn't know that outlandish stuff like that is typically not true. The actual story is just a failed experimental artist trying to create a singing robot or whatever, basically John Bergeron was trying to create American Hatsune Miku, actually this was like 2004 so before Hatsune Miku. Does anyone remember the video of the deaf guy who had his great grandmother's coffin and dead body in his backyard, and he kissed her? That was obviously fake but that one always stuck with me. Agamemnon Counterpart was just weird, I don't know why it was on every list of "scariest youtube videos." Obey The Walrus just makes me more sad than anything, The Goddess Bunny seemed like a really sweet lady and that's how people chose to remember her. :/
I've been studying for a Spanish test I'm going to be taking tomorrow, my mom said if I get an 80 or higher we can get Texas Roadhouse, the stakes have never been higher. Or rather, the steaks have never been higher. Sorry that was awful. Oops.
I've been thinking about telling my parents the truth at some point, maybe on the 27th. The 27th will be the 2000 day anniversary of me coming to terms with it. I think a lot of what's holding me back mentally and socially is the fact that I've been keeping this secret from them for so long when they kinda know but also not really and it's this really confusing thing and I just need to tell them. It's been so easy for me to present myself this way online for five and a half years now but it's a little different when it's with people in real life. Sometimes I even question if I really am who I think I am. Maybe if I talk with them they'll help me find the resources I need to figure it out. I know I should know myself better than anyone but it's truly confusing at times, my mind is like a complex labyrinth that even I am a victim of.
I hope my financial aid stuff gets sorted out soon... I don't know how I'm going to survive this without it.
The past few years have been difficult, but I'm tired of running away. I don't know who I am but I can't figure it out alone. I've been trying to do everything on my own for years now, and it just isn't feasible anymore. I'm going to be 20 years old soon. I'm still young, who knows how many years I have left? I could live a hundred more years if I'm real lucky. I just feel like I haven't made much progress these past 2,000 days. Sometimes I wish I could do things over, but that's not possible, I can only make up for everything the best I can. I'm tired of fear, I'm tired of spending 75% of the year crying and bedrotting when I could be living my best life hanging out with friends, I still need to learn to drive! I got my learner's permit in 2021 but I haven't been practicing enough. The last time I've been behind the wheel of a car I was 17 years old. August 1st 2023, I should try to get some hours in next weekend. I have a car and everything too, my mom gave me her real nice green car and it's only about 10 years old. My mom usually makes my dad drive everywhere so it doesn't have as much use as a car from 10 years ago usually would. I'm excited, one of my goals this year is to get my license but that was one of my goals last year, and the last, and the last, and the last...
Maybe late next year or 2028 I can move out and have my own place somewhere, start living my own life, maybe get on hrt if I'm lucky. Start making my life my own. I have a lot to learn though before then, because honestly I recognize that there's a lot that I do not understand about the world, and since like I don't know I wanna say early 2024 I've just been on this path where I'm not even trying to do anything, just wallowing in depression and bedrotting. It sucks that I've wasted what should've been the best years of my life but the best years of my life can be whatever I make them, and the way I see it, I have the power to make the rest of my life the best years of my life. I'm gonna exit out of the teen years and enter my 20s a beautiful and strong Nora. I will reminisce on my teen years, but most of them were me lying to myself and others. There's always time to start again, as long as I'm breathing things will get better. I won't give up and that's my only sin. I still have like 100 or so days until I turn 20 anyway lolz.
Much Love!!
Nora Meadow <3
Song of the Day: Tara the Android - I Feel Fantastic
This scared me as a kid, but I get it now this is hype.
The World is to Dig in 58 days!
