Dear Diary,
Senior Signing was today, that was exciting. A new beginning, a new commitment. I am going to the same college as like seventy other people though. Bit crowded if ya ask me, but I digress. Should be exciting either way and I'm knowing so many people who happen to be going there. We're so back I should say. I still don't know if I want to major in English or something else. English sounds like my thing though I'll say that. I don't know what my "thing" is though, and I'm scared I won't know until it's too late. I'm sure I won't have to worry about that. I just need to breathe and relax.
I might never see a lot of these people again, but I was never really close with anyone at this school anyway. Except for one person, and we already know what happened with that. I hope I can get to know some of them better in college though.
It's exciting, isn't it? I already started getting to work on some of my community service. I got 4 hours in, supervising a bouncy house at a carnival. It was frustrating, my first time dealing with something like that and it's hard to keep track of so many kids. The parents weren't much help either, but sometimes they would help me and I'm really appreciative of those who helped me. I felt pretty relieved when I finally got things under control. Only for things to get out of control again, and the cycle repeats. A frustrating cycle if you ask me, but that's 4 hours in the bag, and I can do the other 4 hours online if what I heard is true. From there, I don't know actually. I have to a little bit of community service every semester, which doesn't sound too bad honestly. This was pretty difficult, but it really truthfully did not feel like four hours. I'm surprised how nice and understanding people can be when it comes to this, I thought I was gonna get yelled at for not fully understanding just what the hell I was doing, but I'm glad they were understanding of my situation and weren't hesitant to help me as much as they could, I'm genuinely appreciative of them and I can't thank them enough. It was a job that wasn't easy for me to do alone, so I'm glad I had a little bit of help along the way. Moving the tables and cleaning up after wasn't easy to do alone either, but I did that too. It felt a lot shorter than it actually was for spending three hours in the hot sun having to deal with kids who wouldn't listen. Like I said, the parents were understanding and helpful too! Maybe people aren't so hard to get along with after all. Who knows, really? That was my first time really doing work and getting something out of it. Not actual pay, sure. I'm being paid in community service hours which go towards my college education, so it's still beneficial to me regardless. Not only that, but helping out just feels nice too. I get a nice feeling from helping people out however and whenever I can, it feels nice and I like to do it. I'm definitely not the best at helping people out, but I'm always appreciative to do whatever I can. So I also get that from it as well. It's a nice little world we live in, it's really not as bad, not as scary, not as unforgiving and cold and ruthless as it can seem sometimes. Because it can definitely seem like that sometimes, but I've learned that it really isn't, you just gotta surround yourself with the right people and not let negativity get to you, I know that it's easier said than done, but once you do that life becomes exciting fun and enriching. I'm still struggling with that though, I know that it's what I must do for a happy long healthy exciting beautiful enjoyable life but I just can't bring myself to get to that point, I'm sure I can if I work hard and push myself.
Everything will become easier if I just push myself, hard work pays off, and it's certainly rewarding. It's just always been difficult for me. I dunno if I'm depressed or just lazy or what but that's the truth of it in my situation.
They say the only thing you have to fear is fear itself, and while true I can't help but succumb to fear, I don't know if I'll ever change. I tell myself I will and that's the first step, but the second step is actually doing it, whatever it takes. I'll take every step I need to because dammit I really wanna get out of this mess. New life, new me, new world, it's exciting isn't it? I want to relish in that excitement.
What a life. WHAT. A. LIFE! That's as much as I can say, things are difficult and life is scary, but that's what makes it so fun. New paths, not knowing what the future holds, that's what inspires us to wake up every day, isn't it? We could not see tomorrow if we just have pure bad luck, you know what I mean? I wish I could live every day like it's my last, but I'm terrified of what people will think of me.
Part of what inspires me is writing these blogs, I've had a lot to catch up on here but I'm doing my best. I enjoy writing, even if it's just nonsensical ramblings. Writing is what I do best, it's what I find fun. Which is why my plan was to major in English, welcome to the future? WELCOME. TO. THE. FUTURE. What do I have left to prove except prove that I'm not just another loner just another scared paranoid freak? What do I have to prove? I guess all there is to do is write my blog posts get out there and show the world who Nora Lithium Hazel Jonathan I'm forgetting all my middle names Lycosa truly is. I don't want to be scared anymore. I've been ruled by fear for so long, and I don't know what it's going to take for me to get to where I need to be, but I will make sure that I'm no longer ruled by fear, I don't know when I'll truly get over my inner conflict, but it will be soon.
What a life? What a life. Writing these blogs is my outlet, a way to express myself and get my thoughts out there. I don't know if anyone reads these, but if they do I hope they don't think I sound insane because I'm worried I sound insane just a little bit. I've just been ruled by fear for so long and I want this to be the month I get over it but it's frustrating. It's an inner struggle with myself, being so worried about what the world thinks of me. Although I'm trans for a reason, because I don't care what the world thinks about me. That's one way I see it. Who knows, it's exciting and wonderful either way, but also absolutely terrifying. The world is gonna try to pull me apart and I need to be a fighter. Like the Chumbawamba song, when the world knocks me down I need to get back up again. They're never gonna keep me down. Fall down seven times get up eight. Rome wasn't built in a day, that's Lemon Demon New Way Out, that's what the Japanese part of the song roughly translates to. It's very true. Rome indeed wasn't built in a day, but I'm worried I'm taking way much more time than I need to here.
Song of the Day: LCD Soundsystem - I Can Change ❄
I definitely can, but will I?
21 days until ya girl graduates!
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