Y'all, I don't know how else to word it at this point. I just love her! She gave me this blanket with her scent on it and I sleep with it often and it feels like she's holding me in her warm embrace, Something I long for more than I know how to put into words. I talked with her on the phone again, that's always so much fun! I love it so much!!! I just love love love this girl so much, it's unbelievable. Actually the sweetest lil lady of all time, she's just so flippin nice to me and I don't understand why sometimes. She's started to read my blog posts too now actually, Hiiiii honeybun I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love lvoe love love love love love love love love love love love love her. She's so silly!!!!!! The silliest of all time. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful, perfect, angel. I must've done something right, though. I wish we could be together in person more often, but certain circumstances caused that to go out the window. It is what it is.
Honestly, school is kicking my ass for real. Just absolutely obliterating me. I missed a history quiz last week, yay! I also missed a geography quiz, but the professor was kind enough to reopen it for my stupid ass. The history professor doesn't do make-up work though, which is fine. I feel like I might've talked about this already. Whatever, my point is, I'm struggling to stay on my feet with this whole college thing here. I'm probably going to end up missing my first day this week, and waiting outside for my dad at the end of the day isn't ideal. I really need to get my damn license. I'll get it eventually, whatever. I just wanna chill right now. I needed 50 hours of experience, right? I've got... 21.
Driving just scares me!!!! I hate driving so much I wish it wasn't a necessary evil. The fact that I have to assume that everybody else on the road is going to do something stupid or my fear that I might do something fucking stupid and end up a corpse. I'm honestly really terrified of it. I'm learning though, I guess. I got my permit a few years back, and it expires every year so I have to get it renewed. It's practically the only form of identification I actually have. MY PICTURE SUCKS THOUGH!!! Bad hair day? That's basically every day for me recently but I'm gonna quit laying in bed all day and actually start taking care of myself properly. I just wanna sleep and write all day most days, but I know it isn't ideal and I have other responsibilities, I'm working on balancing all of my responsibilities as much as possible. I've been trying my best to do that and it isn't easy but I think I'm getting somewhere. I need to be more productive, and I need to be more confident!
I'm mainly working towards just... being a better writer, y'know? It's stupid, but this is a major passion of mine and I just wanna keep doing this as much as possible. It's fun! I know very very few people are going to read this blog, but it's just one writing project of many I have planned, currently my main one, but definitely not the only one I want to work on for my whole life. I like writing for school, can't say I always have, but when I'm passionate about the subject I'm the biggest fucking yapper you'll ever meet. It's kinda why I'm an English major, I don't know if I can get a well-paying career like this but fuck it this is my passion I'm passionate about this more than anything and I'm not going to stop any time soon. I'm young and my life is just getting started and who cares if nobody will read it? I don't do this for other people, I do it to feel accomplished. I'm having fun! It's my life and I'm going to live it how I want and nobody can tell me what to do!
Sometimes I write TOO much for school, I worry. An assignment that's one paragraph will turn into several for me. I think I showed off The Residents' example from senior year, but yeah. That's.... haha..... At least the other one was a freewrite, and I don't think he's seen it yet. At least I hope not. He says he doesn't read the freewrites but what if he does?! I don't think it matters. I posted it on my blog for the whole world to see, what's the matter with my English professor reading it, right? That's what I tell myself at least. I have a lot of anxiety of keeping up a good academic reputation, I'd say I'm doing somewhat well with it but what if they see me as some overenthusiastic weirdo who is very particular about her writing and making sure it says a lot? I also worry sometimes that my writing is more quality than quantity! I want both! I want to write something well thought out and doesn't look lazy if I just wrote 100 or so words!!!! Ernest Hemingway can write a moving story in only six words, but I can't. So fuck him and fuck you too. I'm kidding!!! I was referencing an Eminem lyric if you didn't catch on.
I've definitely overwritten here, I think. I'm not gonna stop anytime soon. This is fun for me. I enjoy it. This particular post isn't even really meant to be anything serious or interesting or cool. I'm just rambling. That's what a lot of the posts on here are, ramblings. I just like yapping a lot of the time and I know only like three people are probably gonna read it but it's just something I enjoy doing. Is there really something wrong with that? Probably, maybe I should speak with a therapist about it. Wait, I think I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. Maybe I'll talk about it then. Nah, I'm kidding. I don't know what I'll talk about. She still doesn't know about my whole gender situation and honestly I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to people about that whole thing, y'know? I know she's supportive but I just can't help but feel so awkward about it for some reason. I'll try opening up to her more, because I feel it would benefit me majorly.
Song of the Day: Mitski - My Love Mine All Mine 💘
thanks jordi ^_^
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