Dear Diary,
Welcome to May. The last month before I become a legal adult. Am I nervous as hell? Of course, but no matter what I think things are gonna be just fine. I'm happy for the future, no matter what happens, I'm gonna persevere. I'm still nervous as hell. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this nervousness, but whatever. It's all whatever. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm just a creature, a critter even. I'm not going back on my critter rant. I'm just saying that's how I feel. I'm silly and I don't understand. We find excitement in the little things, and that's beautiful is it not? Although some things aren't little, even if they may seem that way. You never know where life is going to take you and that's what is so exciting. I want excitement in my life, that's what I desire, but I'm too terrified to seek it out. I don't know much about the world. I can name countries flags and point them out on a map sure but I don't know much about the world truly, I still don't know how to drive, I'm still nervous to order food on my own, it's a mess.
Somewhere, someway, somehow, I think everything is gonna turn out just fine. For me and everyone else like me who has horrible anxiety. I'm trying my best to get over it I really promise I am but man is it difficult... I'm graduating this month and that's absolutely crazy to me. I never thought I'd make it this far. Freshman year I was sure I wouldn't live to see my senior year, I wouldn't live to see 18. Coming to terms with my gender identity all those years ago was difficult, but I'm too scared to live my life the way I want to. I'm a sheltered anxious freak it feels like. I still haven't made it to 18 yet, but damn am I real close. That's exciting, it feels freeing. I can't wait for what the future holds. I've said those exact words so many times the past few days it's not even funny, but it's true. The future excites me and I can't wait for the future to turn into the present. The thought of college is exciting, and after college... then what? Who knows for sure? I don't know where I want to take my life after college. To be honest, I've considered moving somewhere like Ireland or Boston. Of the two, Boston is probably the most realistic. It's not out of the country, my mom used to live there when she was a kid actually. She didn't like it there, though. I've heard pretty good things from everyone else though and I'm sure it's a nice place, Who knows. Either way, wherever I end up going I hope it's where I want to be. I hope it's where I belong, because these past few years I've had a very hard time finding where I belong. Somewhere, someway, somehow... That's all I can really say about it. That's all there really is to say.
It's like the Weezer album, "Everything Will be Alright in the End" that's true, isn't it? Quoting a Weezer album title is probably extremely corny of me, but it's very true. Everything Will be Alright in the End. It's also my favorite album of theirs. Back to the Shack, Eulogy for a Rock Band, Da Vinci, Lonely Girl, I've Had it Up To Here, Foolish Father, and to a lesser extent Go Away I guess.
The date was rescheduled a day earlier, I'm so excited to see her again, and I'm so glad I'm gonna see her sooner than I initially thought now. I'm so happy I could explode she's so sweet and wonderful and beautiful. I miss her voice and her silliness, she was the best and I can't wait to hang out with her.
We still haven't hung out yet outside of school... I don't really do that much with people anymore, so this is new and exciting for me. Not necessarily new because I've done it before but it has been a while. Definitely exciting. She's wonderful and talking to her is always a wonderful experience. There's just something about her, I don't know. She's perfect. She's seriously perfect, I don't think she even realizes how incredible and beautiful and perfect she is. She deserves to. She deserves to see in herself what I see in her because no one has ever been so sweet to me, it almost feels surreal, but it's not. She's just a really wonderful person.
The reason I'm so scared of talking to people is I'm worried of being a nuisance. I'm glad to know she clearly didn't think I'm a nuisance or I'm weird or anything. That was pretty reassuring, but that nervousness still lingers inside me.
I don't know what to do about it, at this point I have tried just about everything. The sound of my own voice is offputting to me because I'm not much of a talker at all really. I only speak when spoken to, a kitten got my tongue. Because I don't speak to people first ever, It's not much that I'm spoken to first. It is what it is. Like the Thundercat album, that's another good album but I'm not gonna get into that. Funny Thing and Dragonball Durag are great songs I highly recommend, but Drunk is the better album I'll just say that much. I first listened to Drunk on my 16th birthday and It still sticks with me as one of the best albums I've ever heard. No wonder the best song from To Pimp a Butterfly was These Walls, Thundercat was on it. Thank you based Thundercat. Oh haha, that reminds me. Lil B was on one of the songs from It Is What It Is, but I can't remember which one. All I do remember is how jarring it is to hear Lil B on other people's songs. Wouldn't be the first time though. He used to follow me on Twitter actually, I say that as if he doesn't follow everyone. I just deleted my old account but I had to make a new one for personal reasons. I'm still calling it Twitter I refuse to call it X. Since Elon Musk wants to deadname his own child I'm gonna deadname his stupid platform. What is his obsession with the letter X anyway, it's more useful in math than it is in writing. Y'know what I mean? Actually now that I think about it that's crazy. X being used more in math than in English.
Like at that point, it might as well just be a number, know what I'm saying? But I digress. It's a cool letter, just one that isn't used much and I don't understand the obsession. To each their own I suppose. Still can't stand Elon though.
Song of the Day: Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass ❄
Never heard this one before until now, Aesop Rock is pretty great. Even though people always think I mean A$AP Rocky, who I'm also a fan of.
23 days until I graduate!
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