Dear Diary,
My close friend and I will be going on a date as soon as possible, I was so excited for this because she is the sweetest, kindest, prettiest, most wonderful girl in the universe and I am happy that I have been honored to know her. I was unsure about my feelings about her at first but after being away from her for so long I think it helped me realize truly just how much she means to me... she told me she liked me and I wasn't sure how I felt about her at first, but I do now. I realize now. I understand now. This is why I'm so excited for our date on the 29th. 29 days until our date. She calls me her sweet girl and her flower, I'm honored to be her sweet girl and her flower. She also made me a cute lil green bracelet and I loooove it! It's adorable and I'm going to wear it every chance I get. She's like an angel. A beautiful angel, I miss her so much. But I'm happy things worked out like they did because I don't think I ever would've realized how much I care about her until she had to leave. I wish she could come back now because I want to be able to tell her how much I truly feel for her. 29 days, it'll all be okay. I remember what she told me.
"Just existing is enough some days, flowers do it every day, they make it more beautiful just by being there <3" This keeps me going almost every day. I can't express how much she means to me and how much I care about her. I just want to see her again, she's so perfect, so wonderful, it's so heartbreaking that I can't see her and tell her how much she means to me right now.
It was interesting. When I came out as trans to her, she seemed to like me a whole lot more. I found it sweet. She loved me for my true self, and it really warmed my heart to see that. Even if the time we spent together was brief, and I’ve spent more time thinking about how much I miss her than actually spending time with her, she still means so much to me. I plan to tell her how I truly feel when we hang out on the 29th, I don’t know how things are going to go, especially because I still won’t be able to see her for a bit even after this. I just need her to know what I learned from being away from her for so long. Especially when we hugged, she told me she couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I can’t stop thinking about it myself. I wonder what things would be like now… if we weren’t forced to be apart like this. I told her about the other girl I had a crush on at the time, she encouraged me to talk to that girl. All I’m saying is, I probably would’ve talked to her if this hadn’t happened. But I know now who I truly have romantic feelings for. I still wanna be friends with the other girl though she seems lonely. Also I’m omitting their names for privacy reasons but I know that probably makes this hard to read erm yeah
I don't think she'd want me sharing the letter she wrote me. It's personal stuff. She did tell me to listen to a song though, she said it makes her miss me. That's really sweet so I had to listen to the song, Lover by Taylor Swift. I'm not a big Taylor Swift fan, not much of a hater either. Sure, I make some jokes but I really don't care either way. The Taylor Swift songs I've heard are really good actually. I don't know if it's because my friend really likes her and it's a subconscious thing or if I actually enjoy the music, one thing is for certain. This song makes me miss her too!!! I miss her always, even without the song, but her playlist she made for me as well as that silly lil song make me wish I was having silly lil conversations with her right now. "Hmm maybe…" she used to constantly tease me for saying that when I didn’t know what else to say. I’m kinda bad at talking to people and she’s really understanding but still likes to tease me about it. She’s silly I wish we could hug again I’m sad right now thinking about how much I miss her. I’m so glad she decided to come up to me and talk to me that day, I was a little confused at first and didn’t think us talking would go anywhere initially, but I am so happy it did because she is so sweet and kind and wonderful and beautiful and just perfect in every way. We can make it through this, I hate that we have to be away from each other like this, and I’m sure she hates it too… but I think it will only strengthen our feelings for each other. We will make it through this and learn how much we care for each other when we reunite. This is what it means to be important to someone, and she is important to me. She is so incredibly beautiful on the inside and outside and she is wonderful and important to me. I feel so strongly for her because she has shown me human kindness like no other person has, not in real life at least. She deserves the same, and I truthfully honestly care about her. Her smile can light up a room, her voice is so beautiful. She’s sweet, she’s pretty, she’s lovely. She knows how to make me smile… she understands me. She understands me when I thought no one truly could. She’s not mean to me about my odd quirks, she teases me a little for them but she’s not mean or anything. She’s very sweet actually. She’s wonderful and I’m so happy she’s in my life.
She’s expressed to me that she wants to be more than friends, and I was too scared. I didn’t feel the same at first. But now I realize that I in fact do. I do feel the same. I want to be more than friends. I was just scared because things were moving too fast, and now they’re moving too slow. I can’t wait to see her when this is all over.
I hope that this is just the uncomfortable and depressing beginning to something beautiful and wonderful between us. Whatever it takes, I will be there for her.
The day you had to leave was the hardest day of my life. I thought my life was over, that there was no reason for me to continue. I could barely sleep that night. I felt so sick mentally and physically, I just wanted to throw up. I didn’t know what would happen. I was terrified without you. Receiving that phone call from you cooled down my anxiety so much, but my heart still broke for you. My heart still breaks for you. I think you’re beautiful, and I know whatever hardships you are going through, I know that you will face them head on and conquer them. Because you are strong, you’ve encouraged me to become a better person, you’ve helped me become the person I’ve always wanted to be. You’ve helped me feel happy I guess you could say. I guess what I’m trying to say though is… I hope I can do the same for you, friend. Seeing you smile was the highlight of my days.
She’s just wonderful and she doesn’t realize it. I miss her so much and I want her to know how happy she makes me. How incredible she is. How beautiful and perfect and sweet and kind she is and how she’s been on my mind so much.
Overall this was a pretty good month, I got to talk to her a couple times and I even got to see her in person and hug her. Aside from that, I’ve been making a lot of progress in my personal projects that I’m pretty damn excited to share with you all. I also saw my favorite insect in person, the rosy maple moth. I named her Eclipse :3
8/10 month
Song of the Day: Taylor Swift - Lover 💖
I hope we can stop missing each other soon
24 days until graduation
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