Dear Diary,
Today is April 22nd 2024. I'm happier than ever. Today I will tell you the story of Buccuelnta.
My name is Eleanor Lithium Hazel Jonathan Lycosa. Lycosa is not my real last name. My real last name will not be revealed for a while. Safety measures, my apologies. I understand some of you have known me for quite a while. Maybe as Eleanor, maybe as glutenpee, maybe as ROWDYFLOWERGIRL. Perhaps my deadname? Who knows, either way, I'm sure you know me somehow. I'm pretty anxious, so I've written a lot of ramblings here about my life and my interests so that I can stall for time while I prepare for this.
I was born on the first of June 2006, 4 days before Serbia's modern day independence from Montenegro, and 5 days before 06/06/06. These are unrelated to anything I'm about to say, I just feel like yapping to be honest. I have a lot I'd like to say, and honestly this is just yapping, I'm not afraid to admit that I love to yap. I was born two months premature. I was supposed to be born in early August, the first maybe? Nah, I dunno. Being born premature was scary, I could've died. I'm lucky I didn't, and I'm very thankful I didn't. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, there have been very many times where I have wanted it to all be over, as young as fourteen. Maybe even younger. I had thought about calling it quits so early on, and I'm thankful I didn't, and you should be thankful you're alive as well. We're all put on this Earth for a reason, and I suggest you find that reason and make your life worthwhile. If there is one thing you take away from all of this, it's this. Find your calling, and live your best life. It's cliché, but it is the most important advice that I can give right now at the age of seventeen.
What is my purpose with this? Well... I'm not sure. I guess I just want to talk for now. In about a month I will be graduating high school. My whole life I've seen 2024 as a year of hope, change, and new beginnings for me. I've sent emails to my future self twice in October of both 2020 and 2021, and I am anticipating reading them. I plan to continue sending emails to my future self, hehe. That's another thing I'd like to talk about. 2020, that was certainly a year, huh? I'm rambling aren't I. So... Bucculenta.
Bucculenta is a creative project I've had planned for several years now, going by many different names before I ultimately decided on Bucculenta. The name can be traced back to the scientific names of several organisms. In particular floronia bucculenta and hakea bucculenta, a species of arachnid and a species of red shrubs found in Western Australia. Speaking of Australia, The country plays a major role in the lore of Bucculenta. The inspiration I find from Australia is rooted (oops, poor choice of words, if you know you know) in many different things. However, one in particular I'll unpack right now has to do with my all time favorite musical artist. Talkshow Boy. The music of Adrian Trajstman inspires me as well as my creative work in so many ways I don't even know where to begin. I've never been one to compare the sound of one artist to other artists, unless it was for recommendation purposes, so I'll just say this. If you're into the lo-fi sound of early Car Seat Headrest, and the upbeat carefree fun silliness of Lemon Demon, then Talkshow Boy is for you. Much of his work was made as a teenager, when he was only a couple years older than me in his bedroom. He's a huge inspiration for me and I can't thank him enough for being one of the reasons I am the person I am today.
I've always believed that as humans, our strongest trait is creativity. It's nothing profound, but I feel like it doesn't get said enough. Creativity is what makes us who we are, and we really don't seem to embrace it enough, and I've always wondered why. I'm nothing special, and I'm not trying to act like I am. I'm just very happy about the direction I see my life headed in. I'm graduating High School next month, and I'm beginning the next and longest chapter of my life. Truth be told, I have no idea where I'm planning to take this whole Bucculenta thing. All I can say is that it's a creative project that I am very ambitious about, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it all. I have so much planned, but nothing is truly set in stone. So please give me a few months to work out all the kinks and I'll have something ready to show you all by let's say... December? I know, that is a very long time from now, but trust me, okay? Things have been difficult. I've been struggling a lot and nothing in life scares me more than failure. Despite this, I know that I will encounter some failures, without failure there is no satisfaction in success. I just hope that I can inspire people with my words the way I have been inspired by the words of so many others. That is my goal in this world.
I by no means consider myself a good visual or musical artist. I find that my talents lie in the written word, and even then I've been struggling with my confidence there. I think I could definitely have a satisfactory final product to share with the world way before December, maybe even by July. But to ensure that I myself am satisfied with my final product, I am giving myself the December deadline. I have never been one to keep my promises before, I have always seen myself as lazy, unmotivated and hard to work with. But I'm done letting those things define me. I realize now why the I've always been the way I am, this negative depressive person I've made myself out to be. That is because I let those things define me, I never gave myself room for growth. I'm done with that now, I'm going to become the ambitious individual I've always dreamed of being.
The problem is I've always been dreaming of being this person I envision myself as, instead of working towards becoming her.
So I'm going to finish this off with these final words, Most of you don't know who I am. Most of you do not care who I am. This is just me declaring that I have much planned for the future, and by the end of this year you will see what I mean. I hope you all are satisfied and that you enjoy what I have planned, but I can't guarantee that you will. I have always been told by my peers that I am a good writer, and I don't have any reason to believe they would lie to me when my family and friends are my biggest inspiration, as is most people's biggest inspiration I would say. Regardless, I'm very excited about my future and I can't wait to share it with you all, even though I am unable to right now.
I promise more details will be revealed soon, I'm just struggling with a lot of personal stuff right now, please understand.
But hey, while you're waiting I encourage you all to check out my friends' works. My friend Ivy's novella Beneath the Surface is on its fourth chapter, with more on the way, and my friend Maggie's novella, Amour Armageddon is completed, and also worth checking out. While I must admit I haven't been able to find time to read the latest chapter of Beneath the Surface, or to read all of Amour Armageddon. I still suggest you check both out because they were written by two very good friends of mine.
Song of the Day: Gorillaz - Plastic Beach 🌊
October 2019... damn.
32 days until ya girl graduates! ^_^
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