Dear Diary (April 23rd 2024)

Dear Diary, 

I guess this is my thing now. Opening every blog post with "Dear Diary." Because that's really what this is, a diary. A public online diary to share my thoughts. There are much better mediums for this, better websites and all, but I've preferred to use BlogSpot, as it's a nice lil website. I think my blog looks pretty cute and silly. Also if I miss a day, I can set the time for the day I was supposed to post the blog on. This is certainly a convenience because I admittedly have missed several days. 

I admit it, okay? I've had trouble keeping up with this blog as of recent. I'm actually writing this on the 30th, as well as every post for the rest of the month. I'm doing my best to keep up with this blog, but it's really difficult. I'm going to end the meta stuff here and talk about this as if it were April 23rd and what's going on in the world of Eleanor Lycosa's silly lil brain. I'm going to the prom for the school my dad works at on the 27th. His students have been wanting to meet me for a while now. He talks a lot about me. I've been talking back and forth with one of them who happens to be a fan of Lemon Demon, that's awesome I think. I've still been too nervous to talk to my old friend who I thought I had a crush on. I say thought because I don't really think I feel that way towards her anymore, but regardless I'm still too scared to talk to her. She honestly seems awesome and I would really like to be friends with her because she seems cool. I wish I just wasn't so awkward, perhaps I'll talk to her one day.

I haven't been keeping up with the media log much. I'm not really watching too many movies or listening to too many albums these days. I've been playing that funny lil Chinese furry game Gunfire Reborn. I can't think of many video games that come from China that I've played other than Gunfire Reborn, it's honestly the only one I can think of. There might be more that I didn't know were from China, but Gunfire Reborn is the only one that comes to mind to me. Hehe! While on this topic, my Steam friend's list has gotten hugeeeee! ^_^ Thank you everyone for adding me as a friend, I hope we can play some games sometime. I'm not very good I'm just gonna warn ya now. I might have 200 friends on Steam before the end of the month. Speaking of milestones before the end of the month, My Instagram meme account which most people know me for, glutenpee, is rapidly approaching the 19k milestone. 

I love writing. I enjoy writing so much, hehe. I can't help it, it's just such an enjoyable way to pass the time. I consider it a bit of an outlet for me, it always has been ever since I was a little kid. That's stupid, isn't it? I hope not. However, writing for school assignments is a different story. If it's a topic I have an interest in, I'll give you 2,000 words within a couple hours. If it's not... yeah don't expect much. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!!!! I know it's just one of the many problems I need to work on over the next eight months, and I'm going to! I'm going to be the girl I've always wanted to be my whole life. I just need some time, please... please give me some time, friends. I'll make you proud. My friends, family, readers, strangers. I want to make everyone proud. I know I can't please everyone and I don't care about pleasing everyone, but I want the people I manage to please to be proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted, and I feel like this is a sentiment shared by many like me. Maybe even the person reading? ;)

You see, many of my previous blog posts are disgustingly short. It's sickening how little effort I put into these previously. Now I'm still not putting much effort into these, just rambling a lil. But I'm at least trying to make these blog posts appealing by writing as much as I can put down. I'm done being demotivated. This is my passion, and I'm going to show people just how passionate I am. Even if it means sharing my ramblings that no one cares about. If you do care enough to read this, thank you. Genuinely, thank you for giving a damn. It's stupid but thank you for taking your time to read my silly lil writings. I hope you can enjoy my actual serious works, this is just a little thing I feel obligated to do. Y'know what I mean?

I honestly see it as my duty now to write down my thoughts, writing down as much as I can, even if it's just the most random meaningless garbage. I plan to do this every day for the forseeable future. This has been a bit of a drag for me. Like I said, I'm a week behind and I'm catching up here on the 30th. In May I plan to "lock in" as the kids say, and continue this whole writing thing. I'm not trying to be an open book, I just want a trace of myself to exist after my death. If someone out there cares enough to preserve this when that happens, I don't know. I'm sure if I manage to gain a large enough presence it will. That would be nice, I think. I just don't want to be forgotten. I say I mostly do this for myself but that's also kind of the reason I do this. I know I've got a long life to live, at least I think I do. I write like tomorrow won't arrive, because tomorrow might not arrive. Yes, that was a Hamilton reference. I'm done living a "can't let gang know i fw this" life. I FW HAMILTON! AND I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING LIKE I DON'T! THE SONGS ARE GOOD. I probably talked about this last blog post and I don't remember it. My memory is hazy when it comes to these, it'll probably be even more hazy now that I'm planning to write no less than a thousand words going forward, I say no less but it doesn't have to be that every time, really I can write how much I want. It's my blog and I WILL do what I please with it. That's just kinda my goal now. It's easy when all I'm doing is writing down my unfiltered thoughts at this point. Oh yeah, back to Hamilton. My favorite songs are Non Stop, The Schuyler Sisters, Guns and Ships, and Stay Alive. It also combines two things I enjoy very much, Hip Hop music as well as U.S. History. The founding fathers may have not been the best people, many of them owned slaves and were just in general not the best people. However, Alexander Hamilton was pretty damn interesting I'd say. But I digress. I'm kinda lame and boring right now, I don't go outside much. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Nerdy trans girl who keeps up a blog and instagram meme page doesn't go outside? I'm so shocked! I'm just silly. Silly, and excited for what the future holds. Very excited for what the future holds. I think I say some words too much, like silly. Silly silly silly silly silly! It's a silly word, it's cute and I like it. Cute might be another one I say just a lil too much. Cute and silly! Cute and silly!!!!!! CUTE AND SILLY!!!! CUTE. AND. SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love not being very professional when it comes to my writing. I'm having fun. This is who I am and I'm tired of pretending like this isn't who I am. I am who I am and I don't want to be anyone else. If you can't handle that, cry about it honestly. I'm still a nervous wreck in real life but I'm working on that. I'm trying so hard to be who I truly am in real life, I show my true colors online. In real life I just don't have the courage to show this side of me, I hope I can someday, and I hope I can get the courage to talk to people. This isn't even about the girl I thought I had a crush on, or maybe I still have a crush on. Damned if I know. Either way this isn't just about her. It's about the fact that I'm an anxious mess, a paranoid little freak, someone who just needs to get ahold of herself and say hi, because I have no reason to be scared. People aren't as scary as I think, I tell myself this and still... I'm still scared. I've got like less than 20 school days left so I don't have many opportunities left to make a lasting impression so I better do it now while there's still little time. I plan to change this in college. I plan to become the person I've always wanted to be in college. I'm tired of hiding myself from people, it's doing mental damage to me, and honestly? It's doing some physical damage to me as well. I'm severely depressed and yada yada yada you don't need to know all the details there. This is the internet, not a therapy session. So I should just stop there before I go too deep in that and you have a negative impression of me. I'm happy, somewhat. I'm not happy with the present, though. I'm happy with what the future may bring. I have hope. Excitement, anticipation, ambition, I'm ready to share my story with the world and I hope the world enjoys it. If not, then... I guess that's fine too. I know I can't please everybody but I hope I can at least please some people. I just want to make people happy. It's stupid and cliche, but that's really all I want. That's important to me more than anything else. The world is so full of hate and negativity, and it breaks my heart to see it. I hope I can make the world just a little bit brighter, and I'll do whatever it takes. I've failed numerous times with this but hey, I'm young and I'm not gonna know much about what works. That's why I keep trying. To learn from my failures, to learn what works. To learn what makes people happy. So that when I keep persevering and getting back up when I've fallen down so many times? Eventually, I'll get a smile out of them. That is my goal. That is what I want, and I will keep pushing and moving forward and fighting until I can get that, Until I can make the world a brighter place. I've just struggled so much to even get out of bed most days, but if I push myself here, which I'm going to if it kills me. I will end this conflict with myself that's been going on for so long. My bed is comfortable, but is it truly worth the wasted time that could've been put into working towards making the world brighter like I've always wanted. The answer to this, my friends, is not really. I wish I could've realized this sooner. 

I gotta say, I do love my bed though. Just give me a few more days to prepare for this little change of mine. A few more days of sitting in bed and being a lazy dumb silly lil girl before I have to actually get my shit together. How about this? May. I graduate in May and it's the last month before I become an adult, so May will be the beginning of my change. I've always been known to do things in the last minute, another problem of mine I need to work on. Yep, this situation is no exception as you can see. 

I will be happy. I will be the happy girl I've always wanted to be. I'm going to make others happy and I myself am going to be happy. This is my calling in life, and I am going to fight LIKE HELL To achieve it. Fight like hell or die trying. This is my plan. I am Eleanor Lithium Jonathan Hazel Lycosa. I've said this before, but this time? This time I really mean it. I'm anxious and scared to make a change in my life, but these things are never comfortable. The goal here is to step out of my comfort zone, because nothing has ever been achieved staying inside a comfort zone. A metaphorical one, and a literal one. The literal one of course being my bed. I still need a little more time though, before quitting cold turkey. Cold turkey is a silly term. Why is it called that? If the turkey is so cold, warm him up give him a blanket!!! :(

I find the person I make myself out to be in real life rather repulsive. This is not who I am. I'm an awkward nervous wreck in real life and I hate it. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I am, and my presence on the internet proves that, I think. It's weird. Online I'm not afraid to share my thoughts. I mean, look at me! This is fun for me. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying this. More than anything in the world, I'm enjoying writing my silly little ramblings. Okay, maybe it's a little pathetic that writing down my unfiltered thoughts is my idea of fun. Not spending a night out on the town with someone, but rather sitting alone typing on a laptop. Who the hell do I think I am? No wonder people are so put off by me... Maybe I'll be the ambitious happy thrill seeking person I've found myself to be online in person as well. It's just odd. Would it be an odd unexpected change for the people around me? The quiet kid is trying to become social! God, I don't know... I'm still being paranoid about this. I just need to shut the hell up and suck it up and get out there and become the Nora I've always wanted to be. Whatever it takes, going out of my comfort zone... that's what it takes. It's not going to be fun but dammit I gotta do what I must. 

Y'know I'm actually writing this on the penultimate day before I plan to step out of my comfort zone and rise up from the ashes or whatever stupid metaphor you wanna use for it. I KNOWWWWWW I GOTTA STOP GETTING SO BEHIND IN THESE DAMN BLOG POSTS UGH IT'S FRUSTRATING I'M FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DAILY THING AND I'M NOT KEEPING UP WITH IT DAILY. I'M STILL TRYING TO MAKE A BLOG POST FOR EVERY DAY BECAUSE I THINK IT LOOKS GROSS IF ANY DAYS ARE MISSING BUT I AM NOT DOING IT EVERY DAY AND I REALLY NEED TO COMMIT TO IT I PROMISE I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST IN MAY. 

Please don't get mad at me, I'm trying to do my best here. I want to make people happy, I believe I've said that more times than I need to. I don't want you all to be upset with me because I've been lazy and haven't been able to keep up with these. Won't happen again. I'm pulling an all nighter here catching up on my lil blog posts :3 Promise. I dunno if I'll even have the energy tomorrow. Maybe I should go to bed and finish up tomorrow perhaps. That sounds good actually, maybe I'll see how much I can get in before midnight and then there I'll go to bed and continue tomorrow morning. I'm still referring to this as the 30th by the way even though this is the blog post for the 23rd. This has become a bit of a problem for me and although it really isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of things I feel like a liar. 

But I'm not a liar. I try my best to be as honest with people as possible. Sometimes so much it's disgusting. I end up causing problems. I'm a little afraid of confrontation and it's caused problems for me. In those cases I will lie to keep myself out of confrontations. I'm brave enough to admit that. I'm not proud of it. I hate it so much. It hurts me so much to lie, but I'm scared. Scared of what people will think of me. Caring too much about what people think of me has probably caused every single problem in my life if I really think about it. God, I'm just repeating myself now, aren't I? I really should just finish up here with this blog post before it gets too long. 

But I'm not a liar. I try my best to be as honest with people as possible. Sometimes so much it's disgusting. I end up causing problems. I'm a little afraid of confrontation and it's caused problems for me. In those cases I will lie to keep myself out of confrontations. I'm brave enough to admit that. I'm not proud of it. I hate it so much. It hurts me so much to lie, but I'm scared. Scared of what people will think of me. Caring too much about what people think of me has probably caused every single problem in my life if I really think about it. God, I'm just repeating myself now, aren't I? I really should just finish up here with this blog post before it gets too long. I don't even wanna know how long it is now, I'm scared to look. But I wanna test myself. Testing myself to see how much I can write. This is my passion and I'm going to show just how committed I am to it. Maybe I'm being annoying and a pushover and repetitive and redundant and weird and offputting and the paranoid little freak I've always been so afraid of being but to be honest I couldn't give a shit because this is who I am and I only wish I could show this kind of passion and carefree attitude in real life but I cannot and I am probably coming off as a loser with so little self esteem and I honestly guess you could say that but that's kinda why I am doing this so I can motivate myself to make a change and if this is what it takes then I guess this is what I must do. It's stupid but whatever. 

Oh yeah I just checked and I've gone past 5,000 words at this point haha let's go let's keep going I wanna see how much I can go just with my stupid little ramblings this is funny for me now I wanna see how far I can go with this maybe I'll get to 10,000 words in this post but probably not 50,000 like NaNoWriMo that was stupid and I can't believe I attempted it no disrespect to anyone who attempts it every year and looks forward to it every November but after trying it I learned it isn't for me and that's okay. Hey I'm talking about something different now. I'm pretty proud of the little plot I had. Or at least I was at first because when I looked back and read it I learned how stupid it actually was. Whatever, I'm going to write stuff I actually enjoy and I want my motivation to be passion and not just to fulfill a goal that's why I'm so bad at school I struggle doing things that aren't motivated by passion but when I enjoy doing something I'm going to do it and no one can stop me. 

Oh yeah I just checked and I've gone past 5,000 words at this point haha let's go let's keep going I wanna see how much I can go just with my stupid little ramblings this is funny for me now I wanna see how far I can go with this maybe I'll get to 10,000 words in this post but probably not 50,000 like NaNoWriMo that was stupid and I can't believe I attempted it no disrespect to anyone who attempts it every year and looks forward to it every November but after trying it I learned it isn't for me and that's okay. Hey I'm talking about something different now. I'm pretty proud of the little plot I had. Or at least I was at first because when I looked back and read it I learned how stupid it actually was. Whatever, I'm going to write stuff I actually enjoy and I want my motivation to be passion and not just to fulfill a goal that's why I'm so bad at school I struggle doing things that aren't motivated by passion but when I enjoy doing something I'm going to do it and no one can stop me. At this point I wonder if I have some kind of mental issues beyond ADHD and Autism and severe Anxiety and Depression. I hate having those things I'm not bringing them up to be quirky like I'm actually pretty upset living with them and if it hasn't become clear by the 5,000 words I've written already I would do anything to get rid of these things that are eating away at me and I'm afraid will fucking kill me if I am not careful. I want to scream and call out to someone but I can't. I don't know who to call out to. 

Maybe I should stop here. This is getting too much, I'll talk more later. This is stupid and I'm frustrated. I wanna consider not publishing this but why throw away everything I've written here? This is more than I've written for literally anything else. This is a sign of what's to come, although maybe not as self deprecating and repetitive. I just wanna show how much I enjoy writing. Whether I'm good at it or not, this is just a fun little thing for me.

Song of the Day: Lil Ugly Mane - Clapping Seal

She neo on my psych til I delia

31 days until ya girl graduates!