On this day, five years ago, I came to terms with the fact that I am transgender. A lot in my life has changed since then.
However, I'm still very far from where I wish to be.
I'm not on estrogen yet, I don't wear traditionally feminine clothing, I'm not even out to a majority of people in real life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually trans or if I just enjoy living a sort of "double life"
The fact that I have so much social anxiety and I live in a pretty unaccepting part of the country, and the fact that everything went to even worse shit the minute I became a legal adult and started college feels like fate has not been kind to me.
These first five years have had their ups and downs, and I have a long journey ahead of me. It's honestly nobody's business but I don't plan on getting surgery because that's fucking terrifying. Also I feel like a girl regardless of what's in my pants.
I've always been weird about my gender because I wasn't too dissatisfied with being a boy but I feel happier as a girl. It's things like this that have made me question if I'm some flavor of non-binary but that's something I honestly don't understand.
Gender identity and expression are very confusing, and even though I still struggle with dysphoria a lot due to a clusterfluff of reasons that I'm not ready to talk about, I'm pretty happy with my gender expression online and I hope I can be the same person in real life. "I want to be that fucked up girl" like in Noel's Lament. Song of the Day perhaps?
This is going to be the first of, not many but a few journal entries in which I reflect on everything. I have a lot more I want to talk about but it only feels appropriate to address them on later dates. It's stupid but there's a method to my madness.
Song of the Day: Kholby Wardell - Noel's Lament
I WANT TO BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL!
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