December 10th 2024
I'm willing to admit that I didn't try hard enough this semester. I have self-awareness and I honestly can't blame my parents for thinking this is all talk, but I really think I have a plan. One that's going to work this time. I really shouldn't have prioritized my personal writing over school, I just believe I can find success in this field if I work on it hard enough. My worldbuilding is mediocre at best, though. It's just something I enjoy, probably something I could make a career out of if I try hard enough. I should've put school first.
From an outsider perspective, I guess I could see how one may think I'm lazy. That's not the way I see it, though. I definitely should've focused on schoolwork first, that's for sure. Going forward I'll prioritize it first, that's a promise. However, I don't think I'm lazy. As stupid as it may seem, everything I do is for a reason. I have an end goal in mind here. I was mostly focusing on the schoolwork until I got sick in late September, then what was it? October I began working on my website, most of that was over Fall Break though, I think the website looks great right now! Although it is closed for renovations...
I had another identity crisis that was the result of several mental breakdowns I thankfully didn't write about or else I wouldn't be able to live with myself because god that shit is so embarrassing I need to go outside. There were also a few hyperfixations that took over my life, I really wish I knew how to deal with that because that has seriously taken a toll on my ability to focus and keep track of my assignments as embarrassing as it is to admit. It wasn't all for nothing though because... I may have written some fanfiction... Again, embarrassing to admit. Bluh.
It wasn't just that, I got started on an essay about Bot from Inanimate Insanity and the parallels I see in their character with myself, it was a personal thing and I should've been focused on the mountain of unfinished math assignments I had, but it was just therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out there. I never finished this essay though and I don't think I will because it's embarrassing. I've been trying to keep my brain under control and avoiding getting wrapped up in stupid shit that doesn't matter. I think I finally have a plan that just might work in order to get myself in the right state of mind, and I'd like to try it out over this break.
Speaking of, I think I even got hyperfixated on organizing stuff at one point. I cleaned out my camera roll a couple months ago, I went from 60,000 photos to only like 2,000. I organized my notes app, and deleted a lot of unnecessary things. I worked a little bit on cleaning my room, but most days I didn't feel like getting out of bed, I think it might've been that I've been taking the medicine irregularly. I'm taking it regularly now and getting a good night's rest, so I think I might be more motivated and focused! I'm confident.
I did some research on cryptozoology and stuff like that, I know I should've been focused more on school and I can beat myself up for it all I want but nothing's gonna change unless I decide I want to, which I really do care now, I've felt the effects of this so much, not only from my parents being disappointed in me but I can barely look at myself in the mirror because of how mad I am at myself for doing this, All I can do now is work harder the next seven semesters of my college career.
I was just really interested in this stuff, I wanted to learn as much as I can about cryptids because I was looking for inspiration for my worldbuilding? It's stupid. I found inspiration for my worldbuilding from inside jokes in my group chat too. Why do you think scarabs have such a prevalence in my lore? I'm sorry, this is all so stupid. I should've been focused on school, I really think this silly little garbage could seriously amount to something, though. I've been working on this silly little "MeadowHeart" thing since I was real little. I guess that's what I'm calling it now, MeadowHeart.
For starters, there's the caracal god Aqua. God, Goddess, whatever. They're genderfluid, like Loki! Anyways, they're a caracal and you guessed it, the god of the ocean. Aqua isn't a creative name for an ocean god whatsoever and that's partially the reason I thought it would be funny. There's also their human adoptive daughter Harmony who speaks with the ghosts of those who have drowned or been lost at sea, there's also Claudia which isn't their daughter but the daughter of the Neposodi family whom they have been tasked with overseeing. She can read minds and see into the future, mainly how people will die. I know a lot of people will probably find this whole thing lame stupid and boring but I'm not doing it for them I'm doing it for me.
Y'know, it's good that I have this project that I've been working on for this long. It's something I enjoy working on a lot and it's a creative outlet that I feel is truly a look into my mind, but school does come first. I think I could get somewhere with this, if I really put blood sweat tears heart and effort into it, but I need to be putting twice the blood sweat tears heart and effort into getting my degree, then I can worry about this. This whole project of mine has taken over my life, but I think I've come up with a plan and a time management system that can put me in the right headspace and get my priorities in check. It's hard to explain, it only makes sense to me, but I really think it could work. I want to try it out over break.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm not as lazy as I probably seem, my motivations and priorities are just in the wrong place. I tried teaching myself to draw the other day, I should've been studying though. I feel pretty guilty about that, I probably could've scored higher on the exam. I just think it would help contribute to this passion project of mine that I could turn into something special if I put my mind to it, but school comes first. Failing this math class was a humbling experience for me, and I'm working on a plan to ensure it doesn't happen again, but it might not be 100% foolproof. We'll have to see, though.
This stupid little passion project of mine has to go on the backburner, as well as everything else that isn't schoolwork, but I don't need to abandon it entirely. I can't afford to stay depressed, I have to make time for everything in my life, or else I'll relapse and be back in this situation again. That's just how I am. I'm gonna publish this post now, and I usually don't show my mom these but I'm gonna show her this one just so she can get a better understanding of the way my mind works, and she doesn't just think I'm a lazy disappointment. Or maybe I'll still just be a lazy loser to them. I can't make them believe me, I can only tell them the truth.
Song of the Day: Lemon Demon - The Ocean 🌊
I wrote 600 words of my stupid pirate novel today.
16 days until I show that off
MEDIA LOG - DECEMBER 10TH:
371. Geordie Greep - The New Sound 💽
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